Creating

I love the creative process. It doesn't matter if I am creating a powerpoint presentation for work or decorating our home or planting my flowers or writing. It is all the same process to me. It is another interpretation of who I am.
While creating a powerpoint presentation the other day, I found myself dwelling for long periods of time on the words on each slide and the clip art I should use that would depict what is represented in words. I created a new graphic for the whole presentation. I find this process satisfying. I like doing it. I like creating.
We use our dining room as an office. It is command central in our home. We both spend lots of time there at the computer. For the last seven years, we had a corner desk with two side desks. The three pieces hugged the walls and window.
Last weekend we took it apart and turned it around. We could only keep two pieces of the desk together. It looks like a new room - more like an office and some of the clutter is hidden. I like looking at a space and seeing it differently, not an easy thing for me to do.

Sometimes I get stuck. I may put a decoration in a certain place and there it sits forever. I seem to look past it. Then one day I am struck by how wrong it looks and move it. I try to walk around the house and see it with new eyes.
Last year I had many of our bushes removed. Now in the spring I will create a new look. I already planted an additional tulip bulbs. Can't wait to see them bloom in the spring. The way the weather has been they could arrive very early!
This blog helps me to discipline myself to write. I struggle with this creative process, too. I keep looking for something that comes easily to me, but I can't find it.
Maybe that is part of the creative process - the struggle!

Ode to Farberware

Oh, Farberware, you have been my faithful

kitchen companions of 46 years.

Your shiny aluminum clad stainless steel surface comforts me.

Your slim curved handles lovingly fit into the palm of my hand.

Your tight snug fitting lids intrigue me.

I love the way you nestle together in the drawer waiting for my touch.

You have shared life with me

marriage

divorce

birth

death

At every occasion you were by my side ready to serve.

simmering

stewing

boiling

I have burned you. Let you sit unclean in the sink for hours but

YOU never let me down.

I resisted the allure of Le Creuset's flashy red finish,

Rachel Ray's hard-anodized aluminum and Paula Deen's speckled porcelain

but

once

I was seduced by Calphalon's dark anodized aluminum complexion.

I brought her home and thought you both could live in the same drawer.

I quickly realized she was finicky and unattractive so I returned

to be faithful to you.

And you took me back without a word of reproach.

How can I show my devotion to you?

Eat out and give you a day off?

Shine your bottoms?

Only say the word.

You know you are the only one for me.

Rant

Why is it the media gets all excited when politicians cooperate and work together to get a bill passed that is supposed to help the country? Isn't this their JOB?! Can you imagine any other profession where a big deal would be made out of cooperation? I thought cooperation was an important job skill for the the 21st century! The exception should be shocking, not the expected behavior.

Why is it okay to lay-off teachers and other public service workers when the number one goal of Michigan's governor is to create jobs? Why don't those jobs count? I read other recoveries were propelled by job creation in the public sector. Don't you wonder if this recovery is stalled because the public sector is shrinking? By the way, how are your public services these days? We don't get our streets plowed in the winter any more. We have way fewer county sherrifs on the road. Fewer police and fire fighters. Feeling safer these days?

Why can't we respect each other's role? Public and private sectors each have an important role to play in our society. I think they deserve the same amount of respect. I worked hard as a teacher and served the community. Why should I feel like I am a second class citizen? I did not create this recession or put our country in debt over a trillion dollars. I always paid my taxes and my house payment and all of my bills.

Why are Wall Street and the big bankers allowed to destroy our economy and absolutely no one goes to jail for his wrong doings? Yet my portfolio is decimated and every penny of equity I had in my house is gone and I still have to make my house payment and pay my bills.

Why won't Bank of American sell my mortgage so I can qualify for one of the government programs that were created to help homeowners whose mortgages are underwater? Am I penalized again for paying my bills?

Why can Congress dictate what our health care system can and cannot be, yet they don't participate because they have free health care for the rest of their lives? Why do they get a say about social security when they have full pay in retirement and don't receive social security? I would give up social security, too, for full wages during retirement.

Why is life so damn unfair?!

Family

Life feels quite complete. Our little family is together. The twins have such a strong life force; it carries the rest of along. The highs, the lows.
Their obsessions demand attention. Trucks, cars, airplanes, trains. Sense a trend here? We not only buy trucks, cars, airplanes and trains of all sizes, shapes and colors, we read books about them. Various vehicles cover their shirts, pajamas, and pull-ups. We stop to watch a train go by, observe the garbage/compost truck, and comment on the airplane overhead. We know the difference between a backhoe and an excavator.
Who knows where their next obsession will take us. At 33 months the world is a pretty amazing place.
Watching them develop and grow, I constantly tell myself I am so lucky to have joined the Grandma Club.















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Christmas Tree

Every year I dread putting up the Christmas tree. Mike usually helps a little, but the bulk of the work  falls on me.
I often say an artificial tree saved our marriage. It seemed the stress of picking out the mutually agreed upon perfect tree was too much for us.
We are now on our fourth artificial tree. I thought the first one would last a lifetime, but it seems each year they add new features to artificial trees. The last two are pre-lighted. When we moved into this home with a 12 foot ceiling in the great room, our seven foot tree looked little and scrawny. I bought a nine foot tree. For three years the lights were perfect. Then last year a third of the lights quit working. I didn't have the fortitude to try to go through all of them to find the faulty lights. That tree remained in the box.
I dragged the seven foot tree upstairs.
I took much longer than I had planned to decorate the tree. Our decorations are nostalgic. So many were gifts from people since passed or marriages failed. Handmade decorations from my first years, when I had no money to buy fancy ones. A collection of key chains from of our travels. Ornaments that hung on my mother's tree. Each a memory in itself.
I find I dally as I hang each ornament thinking of the people who contributed some decoration. I think of the happy times and sad times in my life.
Now it is almost time to take the tree down for another year. I dread this job more than I dread putting it up. But I know some part of me will enjoy gently packing away these treasures of memories until next December when I begin to silently argue with myself on whether I should put up the Christmas tree or not.

Sandwich

I am a part of the sandwich generation.

I am torn between caring for my mom in Michigan and going to California to spend time with our grandsons.

When we are in Michigan, I miss our California family so much. I look at pictures we took on our last visit, I watch the video clips taken, and we sometimes Skype with them. Alexander and Sebastian are 33 months and they change so much in a short amount of time. I hate being away very long. We try to support their parents. We make sure they get out without the children. They need the break and time for each other. I cannot imagine rearing my children without the support of an extended family.

When we are in California, I wonder if my mom is OK. I wonder if she is eating. I wonder if she will die while I am gone. She is very understanding about my huge need to travel to CA often and never tries to make me feel guilty for leaving her. I am thankful for that, but I still feel badly.

On one of my flights home from California, I met a delightful Vietnamese couple. As strangers sometimes do, we shared stories of our lives and families. When I shared my dilemma, they told me the story of taking his mother back to Vietnam to die. They stayed two weeks and got her settled at a family member's home, but had to leave before she died, because they had to get back to their three children an aunt was caring for in California. They took solace in this Vietnamese saying, "Tears only flow down."  They explained that it  means - you must care for your children before your parents. You do the best you can by your parents, but your first priority has to be your children.

I have thought of those words often over the last two years.

Christmas and Mom

This is Mom's 91st Christmas. Because she has aortic stenosis, she is very frail and weak. She still has spirit though. Mom continues to live alone in a small apartment. She qualified for hospice the day after she turned 90. Hospice has been a blessing in many ways for our family.
The nurse visits at least once a week and a home health care aide comes twice a week for about an hour. She helps Mom bathe and does light housekeeping. Mom has frequent health crises and because hospice provides all health care in her home, some of the pressure of caring for Mom has been lifted from my shoulders. I am very grateful for this support.
Mom is not the typical hospice patient. She is not bedridden, but needs lots of support. She tries to take her clothes to the second floor to launder them, but this activity exhausts her. Her sister and I bring them home to launder, but Mom wants to be as independent as she can be and it distresses her to get this kind of help.
We convinced her to stay at our house for a few days over Chrismas. Helping her bathe, I realize how truly frail she is. Right after her shower she went to take a nap. I felt exhausted myself!

This may be Mom's last Christmas. I hope to make it as special as I can.